3 Ways To Rekindle Sexual Intimacy When Your Relationship Gets Too Comfortable
Get that spark back.
You and your man have been together for a while and are deeply bonded. There is a lot of love and you genuinely care for each other. You have been through good times and bad times and are still together. The problem is, sexual intimacy is at an all-time low.
How to rekindle sexual intimacy, especially in a sexless marriage, is a question you are both asking yourself silently in your mind as you sit on the couch together eating ice cream, watching TV, night after night (or something complacently similar).
What couple, that has been together for any length of time, doesn’t end up asking, “What happened to our sexual intimacy?” You are not the only one. Don’t feel bad if this is happening to you.
Get out of your comfort zone and commit to change. It is being in too much comfort in the relationship that robs you of passion, play, and a deeper sense of sexual closeness. Do you want greater sexual intimacy? How do you get there?
Commit to living your relationship and marriage life with greater intention. Here are 3 tips to incorporate into your lifestyle to level up your intimate connection in your relationship:
1. Look within yourself — you might be part of the problem.
My first husband passed when I was 39 years old. I loved him and always longed for greater intimacy with him. Back then, I didn’t realize I was looking in the wrong direction.
I didn’t realize that in order to have a deeper connection with him, I needed to have a deeper connection with myself. I couldn’t share with him what I didn’t have access to within myself.
I thought I would find true love by loving him more. The truth is it often showed up as controlling him instead of loving him. What I needed to do was love myself and cultivate a deeper sense of self.
When you long for passion with your partner look inside instead. Do something that creates a deeper connection with you. When you do this, you will be amazed how it works magic on developing more intimacy with your partner. That is the first step to realize and never lose sight of.
2. Make sexual intimacy part of your schedule.
Have a talk with your partner and ask if he is willing to put some intentional effort into bringing more sexual intimacy back into your relationship.
Look at times you spend together that could be better spent. Instead of sitting in front of the TV, going out to dinner, having friends over, or reading a book, turn to your bedroom. Make a commitment to spend appointed times together that are designated for rekindling sexual intimacy.
You make appointments to meet up with friends and family. You probably have a routine time scheduled in for cleaning the house, shopping for food, or tending to other chores.
If you think you don’t have enough time, you are wrong. Get off the couch or whatever you are metaphorically reclining into and take charge of the connection you have with each other.
Make rekindling sexual intimacy part of your life’s schedule. If you don’t fit it in and make it part of your life it won’t happen. Bringing back the sexual fires with each other doesn’t happen on its own. It takes commitment, energy, and effort.
3. Learn to become each other’s healers.
What I love that works great is to schedule a time every week or every two weeks as your designated time to connect. The first thing you need to do is get your partner’s buy in as mentioned previously.
Tell him you would like more sexual exploration in your life and would he be willing to give it a try. This sounds very adventurous to a man. What man doesn’t want sexual exploration?
Once you have his commitment to set aside time on a regular basis for sexual exploration, agree to a schedule that works for both of you.
Maybe every other Saturday or even every Saturday or maybe Friday afternoons. Maybe you can only fit in once a month. Decide what the schedule is going to be and both of you commit to it.
I have a couple’s intimacy game I developed called 20/20. This is a fabulous game to play with each other. Here are the rules:
- Each person takes turns receiving and giving. You decide who is going to be the receiver and who is going to be the giver for the first 20 minutes. I suggest you set a timer.
- The giver begins touching the receiver. The only job of the receiver is to fully and totally receive. No need to reciprocate or try to please. All you need to do is fully surrender to your partner’s touch.
- Once the timer goes off you switch. The receiver then becomes the giver and it is now the giver’s turn to receive for the next 20 minutes. Again. all the receiver needs to do is surrender as fully as they can to the giver’s touch.
- But, the MOST IMPORTANT rule in this game is for the first 40 minutes there is no genital touching and no orgasms. After 40 minutes, you can do whatever you want.
- When you give, you are showing your partner, not through your words but rather through your touch, how you like to receive touch. This is wonderful!
Depending on how much time you have, you can make the game shorter or longer. Rushed for time? Make the game 10 minutes for each person.
If you are getting really good at 20/20 and want to graduate to the next level of rekindling sexual intimacy, try 30/30, 40/40 or even 60/60. The sky is the limit!
Imagine exploring so much and so well that you start spending all day in bed together pleasuring each other. Good “lovership” is an art one needs to develop.
My dream for relationships is that we have developed such lovership skills that it becomes normal to want to take turns pleasuring each other for a lengthy period of time.
Rekindling sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship is a big project. It is one of the most important things you can do as a couple. Who wants to be a couple that settles for comfortable when you can be sensual and playful with each other? Give it a try!
Anna-Thea is an intimacy coach and Spiritual Sexual Educator helping women just like you who want to become more sensually alive. You can join her newsletter list at her website for free advice and/or contact her directly at 702-306-3984 for a complimentary clarity call to see how she can help you bring more sensuality into your life.